Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, girl)

Blade Runner

2011-09-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

With only a few weeks left in wedding season I decided to relax and watch a movie.

I SAID BLADE RUNNER ASKS GOOD QUESTIONS AND MY GIRLFRIEND CALLED ME A FAG!

So despite the kind of annoying voice overs that state the obvious and a few cheesy lines I think it holds up as a pretty awesome movie...Dig Harrison Fords 'futuristic' collared shirts and that chick who wears a shower curtain dress. See through and mold attracting,

THIS DRESS WOULD NOT BE WORN IN THE FUTURE

Best Line: You Burrrrade runnah

Worst Line: Tie between "Its too bad she won't live, but then again who does" And "Tears in the rain"

planet fitness

2011-03-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

I tried to join planet fitness today. But they told me I had to kill a troll, smear troll blood on my torso, and recite the pledge of alleigance.

I couldn't do it, because too many good trolls died. and they didn't have to. Planet fitness kills trolls, and they institutionalize denial.

But one man has to speak out. for the trolls. and our life on the troll block.

We live in a planetfinesocracy. Many never come back. Fighting for my troll G.s

Google Sucks

2011-02-28T21:36:00.001-08:00

Yeah! Fight the google man! Down with the man!!!

(I don't really know if google sucks or not I'm experimenting trying to attract people to

Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, girl).

Elite researchers at DS(oBg) university have virtually guaranteed this post will get

one million hits in the next 24 hours.

My blog is please read by all Egyptian peoples my friend

2011-02-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

Egypt has gone through a lot in the past few weeks--but it looks like democracy will prevail, and we owe it all to one man.

Tarbozz the Egyptian Magician.

When the police barricaded the streets and instituted a curfew--he said 'Then I come out with whip.' The police knew that even though their numbers were in the thousands, they would be no match for Tarbozz and his magic whip.

When Mubarak resurrected and cloned the ancient cyclops army, Tarbozz punched his chest. And it disappeared into crowd.

He choked some of you faculty staff--and stabbed customer in the eye with saber. Then he sicked his cat on Yitzhak Rabin's reanimated corpse (also resurrected by Mubarak to throw rocks at protesters).

Then he light Omar Suleman on fire but it is, you know, fake.

If I Had A Twitter Account

2010-11-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

And I never will, but today I sort of wished I could express to the world that:

Someone at seven stars bakery smells like diharrea.

I think it would have been good to share this with people and have them respond.

Another tweet might be that Civilization 'Revolution' for the Xbox sucks ostrich
dick. Its only 3 hours long, and you can't mine gold and have science in the same
town--what the fuck? Also when you want to build a road connecting your towns,
you just hit 'build road' and the road appears instantaneously.

Tradgedy Strikes

2010-09-03T22:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know if our state of Rhode Island can ever recover from the blow dealt by Hurricane Earl last night.

Here are just some of the images that will be forever burned into the brains of all who were unfortunate enough to witness the events of the last 6 hours:

Repent ye who have felt the wrath of OUR LORD.

Political Blogs Deleted

2010-08-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

I hate that I've written blogs that are at all political. Said blogs have been deleted, I think.

Let me tell you something, mang

2010-08-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I got fucking duped by EA games tonight in a really embarrassing manner.

Well we all know and love the game Dead Space, even though me and everyone else
I know were all too chickenshit to go past the first level.

Can I say before I go into the details here--EA, you gave us Mail Order Monsters for
the Commodore 64, but you also gave us 20 obnoxious years of Madden. Fuck you.

I was at Beau Video tonight, which is a video store that also sells incense and used
children's clothing in up and coming Pawtucket. The familiar Dead Space font caught
my eye, but not in the video game section--in the animated film section. ooh. A caption
on the cover said that this was the prequel to the game.

Even though I've never enjoyed a prequel, I love the idea of them, so I rented 'Dead Space Downfall'. I love unknown books/movies that get turned into big moneymakers. But the EA logo popped up as soon as I inserted the DVD-this movie clearly came out after the game, solely to trick die hard fans into buying it.

No Original Thoughts

2010-07-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Google your original thoughts-someone has already thought them.

My thoughts of the day that were not mine

Designer cock rings
Cupcake porn

DJ's Suck

2010-07-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

Even to the not musically inclined, the job description of a DJ should come off as a joke.

C'mon. You play your itunes playlist through a PA system, and make a couple of cheesy announcements.

There are many examples, in society, of us paying for things that we could very easily do ourselves. You might pay 2 dollars extra at the supermarket for vegetables that are pre chopped. Or you could pay 6-16 dollars for a bottle of laptop cleaner. Understandable--its pretty much just rubbing alcohol and water in a spray bottle but maybe you are a successful glory hole manufacturer or GSA employee and don't have time to mix your own laptop cleaner.

None of these scenarios, however, are as egregious as paying someone $1000 dollars to press play at your wedding. What is truly baffling, is that DJ's have managed to prey on an endless supply of suckers who are eager to throw (a lot of) their money away to hire someone for a position that requires no skills and almost zero training.

How can America do anything with a straight face

Cupcakes Complete Hipsters

2010-06-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

I've been noticing that people who have lots of tattoos and piercings and go to dive bars have gotten really into cupcakes recently. Publicly eating a cupcake helps you prove something to the world:

-That behind your bad ass exterior is a wounded child who needs a treat.

Being from mostly middle-upper class backgrounds hipsters have created a demand for elite artisan cupcakes-I had thought this trend confined to Manhattan and Brooklyn but it has arrived in Providence in the form of an overpriced crepe/cupcake "Snuggery", where apparently Tyra Banks can be seen when she stops into town. Respected food critics write about cupcakes now.

I think the cupcake is a good metaphor for the death of social consciousness. Cupcakes are the opposite of roughing it and fighting for you ideals. Iconoclastic youth in the late 70's got into punk rock with its 'solidarity with the working man' message. Being into cupcakes is considered more cool than being a political activist at this stage in American history, at least among people under 30. Ah, if you do a search for cupcake activism, many bizarre links come up which seem to have nothing to do with anything

New England Frozen Lemonade Is Wicked Retahded.

2010-06-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

NEFL has an interesting company policy regarding flavor mixing. Apparently, and I've never

done this, but you can mix flavors when you order frozen lemonade. Lemon/watermelon is a popular combination, but get this--NEFL mandates that the watermelon ice be on top, the lemon on the bottom. Ask a NEFL driver to do it the other way around, and he will refuse. I am totally serious and not at all embellishing.

The explanation-the lemon makes the watermelon sour. But doesn't the watermelon also discolor the lemon?

Sports Categories

2010-06-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

I find that all the major sports fall into a handful of categories.

1) Hit something and round the bases (Cricket, Baseball, Kickball)

2) Put a ball through the other teams goal (Quittage, Hockey, Basketball, Football, Soccer)

3) Beat the ever loving shit out of your opponent (Rugby, UFC, football, hockey)

4) Hit the ball over the net out of reach of your opponent (Voleyball, Tennis Ping Pong)

5) Be faster than your opponent (Nascar/Track and Field)

I'm the category master.

Great Mis-Speakers of History

2010-05-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

With all the crazy shit going on in the world-CNN chose to spend about an hour and change yesterday covering Richard Blumenthal's press conference where he denied having lied about his Vietnam Veteran-ness. I guess he's running for a senate seat-don't really know, don't care.

After claiming that he 'misspoke' on more than one occasion regarding his service, he was asked to elaborate on the meaning of the word 'misspoke'. After the 1/2 hour long press conference, CNN anchors themselves debated the particulars of misspeaking for 25 minutes, eventually striking the public dumb with the startling revelation that misspeaking pretty much means you lied.

Without further ado, lets recap some of history's greatest mis-speakers.

3) Me.

In 4th grade, I may have told some of my peers at the time, that there was a hidden 'white ring' in the video game legend of zelda, hidden deep within Gannon's Palace. I seem to vaguely recall mentioning that you had to beat the entire game 6 times before the white ring would appear in its hidden location. Some of my schoolmates, Dan Carroll in particular, may have taken my words literally and actually gone through the entire game of legend of Zelda 6 times on the basis of my words, my words which were, regrettably, misspoken. I misspoke. I regret having misspoken, and I and only I am responsible. Is that an apology? No. No, No, No.

2) Rubin

Long after I had lost interest in Wizardry 7 Crusaders of the Dark Savant and banished it to some unknown dusty box in a large pile of dusty boxes in my house-Rubin cheerily presented me with all 4 installation disks one afternoon after school. 'How the fuck did he find this fucking game' I thought, 'Has he been hanging out at my house looking through my shit?'. Apparently he had. Either way, it was time to play Wizardry 7, (which I hated at the time but later learned was more awesome than a jacuzzi full of playboy models) again.

Rubin eventually came clean and told me that he had re-bought the game, which had been off of store shelves for years, but made a magical and fortuitous appearance in the bargain bin at job lot. Even though Wizardry 7 kicks ass, Rubin's intent was to deceive and further his own selfish gaming interests, making him history's number 2 all mis-speaker

1) M'aiq the Liar

M'aiq the liar stays in a static location on Morrowind basically just talking shit-misspeaking all day long. Do not believe him when he says that you can find dragons if you go high enough in the sky. Because what will happen is, you'll levitate up for about 2 minutes until you're above the clouds, you'll not find any dragons at all, and you will end up falling straight down for a half mile, probably right next to m'aiqs misspeaking ass.

Busted

2010-05-13T11:08:00.001-07:00

My mom has around a thousand crappy books bought during the 80's. They taint our home with their mediocrity and I have recently implemented a purge.

The gameplan is to steal one at a time and drop it off at the library-where it will remain out of sight forever. I really do think I'm doing her a solid by getting rid of these shitty tomes (Katherine Hepburns autobiography/a guide to casting spells?!? etc.).

For every action, a reaction right? My aunt pulled up to my car as I was walking from the library and my daily cleanse. In the back of her car was furniture she had just PICKED UP FROM THE DUMP and was preparing to offload at my dad's house.

As I looked at the solid oak desk in her spacious trunk I realized that it would take over 150 trips to the library to compensate for this unwelcome addition to the family inventory.

On a brighter note this incident reminded me of the numerous episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia in which Danny DeVito becomes obsessed with garbage and the dump. The best of which features him wrestling in an amateur league as "Trash Man".

Verboten List 2010 (1st Quarter)

2010-02-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

1) Discussion of hybridized European ancestry.

ex 1 My mom is Portuguese and my dad is Italian. Then I just found out I'm Russian too.

Conversations like this are retardedly boring and in RI usually include something about how things were different back then in regards to belt beatings. Oh and how they ate every part of the animal, being from the 'old school' and what not.

2) A duo of Guys in striped guido douche shirts pretending to be gay to hit on chicks. I'm not entirely clear on why this works, but I'm pretty sure it constitutes a fairly substantial deal with satan and makes you look like a total jack ass to anyone with an IQ over 80.

BLAH!

2010-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

I need to start carrying a tape recorder to chronicle my ranting and raving-which I am getting better at, a lot better. I find there are 3 ingredients to a good rant.

1) A good rant needs to be the culmination of stuff you have already been thinking about for a few days. In other words your rant needs to marinate.

2) Alcohol.

Its important not to fear consequences when you are ready to bring the heat. You can't allow yourself to stumble over or try to pussy foot around a sexist or racist word. Its also important not to be self conscious or even self aware while executing a good rant. Furthermore the booze allows you to deny responsibility the next day.

3) Mental Instability.

If you are going through some emotional hardships, that can help to push your rant over the top and distinguish you from other people who are simply whining or trying to be funny. Harnessing your self hate and feelings of inferiority can give you that crazy sparkle in your eye that makes your audience afraid to stop listening to you-better yet they are almost too uncomfortable to even laugh! Channeling your inner crazy will also help you avoid predictable punchlines and keep people guessing.

Gretzky is Denied

2010-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

When I first heard of the band Earth Wind and Fire, I assumed a Dungeons and Dragons/Lord of the Rings tie in. And there should be one. Sadly the music they play has nothing to do with Earth, Wind, or Fire, just pretty much like lame dancing. I should also mention that you have to be over 50 to enjoy this band. I guess people in that age group don't associate elements like wind and fire with their accompanying roster of leveled spells.

No Apologies For Last 3 Drunken Blogs

2010-01-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

Looking back, I find them most satisfactory in every way, especially the last third of the Joey Buttafuoco song.

My technological superiority

2010-01-16T01:03:00.000-08:00

Dude. So like, there is this torrent site, its from the guys who created digg, you can tweet it on your fuck book, you basically log in at 2300064 mega hurtz, and then you stream you twitter cum to the desired RAM capacity. DUDE THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING as mega super torrents of digg tweets are being seeded. Then basically what you have is your standard web hosting with a q base java guided script code that initiates a bot worm into your zip drive. At that point simply take a flash media external thumb drive and you are in the clear.

Joey Buttafuoco

2010-01-16T00:49:00.000-08:00

Bein Joey
It can be so hard sometimes girl....
I opened a hot dog stand...just to bee with you.

and I feel like a fool
because I broke all the rules.
Eatin hot dogs on the bay
you make me feel that way. wayyyyy

Baby, yeh
yeah yeah yeah

I love jazz fusion,
lets to to a wayne krantz show and make sweet love latah
latah latah latah baby.

Lessss go to IKEA. We can sample sweedish meatballs.
Lessss make sweet love.
cuz we still got time.

Baby, I see that you interested in photography. I appreciate the visual
arts. Because I'm a visual man.

GIRRRRLLLL

Bein visual myself, I have a lot of camereas from the old school days. I have a pentax
1200 shutter speed. Girl we could take so many non digital pictures. and get them developed.
just like we do.

I was gona sell them on EBAY. BUt what I'd rather do girl, is go take some pictures of some trees and shit.

My new alter-ego

2010-01-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

Lamar the smooth jazz trumpet player.

Lamar plays like Earl Klugh or Kenny G, but truly believes he is on the cutting edge of the cutting edge of music.

Lamar happens to be a caucasian individual who does wear tan pants and suit coats with a purple vest underneath and a shiny tie under his vest.

Lamar overuses the terms 'situation', 'vibe', and 'meeting of the minds'.

Lamar forces the word 'love', and sometimes 'one love' into every conversation, usually causing it to end abruptly.

Please add to Lamar's greatness with your comments.

Return of the attack of the son of the revenge of slow gas pumps part V: The Reckoning

2010-01-05T10:52:00.001-08:00

I don't know what the technical term for this is, but you know when you're pumping gas, and you pre pay like $20, and your almost at the end. Just as the meter hits 19.70, the gas flow slows to a crawl, as if the pump suddenly contracted kidney stones. Despite the 10 degree weather, you defiantly squeeze the pump, you'll be damned if Exxon Mobil is going to swindle you for 30 cents.

Anyway the point is last night my indignation with this BS reached a new high--while pumping gas at Shell, the pump began to slow down at NINETEEN FUCKING FORTY. It took about 30 seconds to pump the last 60 cents.

How To Impress The Ladies

2009-12-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

This holiday season, play this guitar tab (all on the low E string) for that special lady/random stripper in your life. The holy trinity of the Three Wolves Shirt, Sutter Home boxed wine, and Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas, known for centuries by pick up artists, is now public knowledge. Let the romance begin.

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--55----------------------55-----------------------55--------------------55-----------------------------------

Boom Boom boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom boom Boom

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--1-1----------------------1-1-----------------------1-1--------------------1-1-----------------------------------

Boom Boom boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom boom Boom

Could There Be a Worse Time To Be a Liberal?

2009-12-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Sure, Bush sucked, but at least the hopelessness we felt during his reign was final and uncompromising.

In the the last week---

1) Escalation in Afghanistan with no hint of an exit strategy and no realistic hope of, or even definition of the terms of victory.

2) Health Care reform killed in senate

3) NGO's expelled from the Copenhagen talks, America shows its unwillingness to substantially cut its own emissions, instead trying to shift the responsibility to the rest of the world as usual.

And then there's this

2009-12-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

I learned in researching my Gladiator blog that they are remaking clash of the titans. THE ORIGINAL WAS TERRIBLE and the remake will be the biggest piece of shit ever. period.

Of course, I know the original sucked, because it was one of the 10 vhs tapes I owned as a kid, so I watched it about 100 times.

Gladiator-Mighty King Of the Swords and Sandals Movies

2009-12-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

I remind myself at least once a year that I need to give myself some 'Gladiator Time'. Its an involuntary reflex, and as essential to my survival as food, Xbox, and psychologically torturing ferrets at Petco.

Many movies rely on one liners, Gladiator has five liners. Think of it, 5 lines of memorable pre-battle speech awesome-ness to make you hurl your popcorn in the air victoriously as you B-line it to your computer to bid on steel breastplates.

Gladiator is an awesome movie, and if you hated it, then you are an idiot.

I left my comics at nick a nees

2009-12-13T22:35:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately, the epic saga of the slime men, and their enslavement of the chicken ladies, is lost forever. left at nick a nees. Led by Bob Costas, the slime men did purchase many chicken lady slaves. their story will now never be known.

We're Fucked

2009-12-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Its a well documented and defended opinion that most wars in our time have been fought to control resources sufficient to satisfy rapacious first world consumers. This school of thought would say that, if you want to stop war, America and other big powers need to go about 4000% greener.

Of course many are unconvinced, but of those who are convinced, I see a major problem. Procrastination.

Piers Steel, of the University of Calgary, did a really interesting study on people who procrastinate, even going so far as to invent a mathematical theorem around the subject. His determination was that the likelihood of an individual to procrastinate regularly is a function of three things--their values, self confidence, and their impulsiveness. Big surprise, he determined that procrastination has increased exponentially in recent years.

To tie this together, I think the American consumer is going to continue to procrastinate: we'll keep buying single serve water bottles, driving 2 blocks to the convenient store etc. until the ocean levels rise and we lose a half dozen coastal cities.

Its interesting-to stop war, we have to stop consuming as much. The only thing that will stop us consuming is probably some earth shaking disaster that will kill or make homeless millions of people. Yet we are so distracted as a culture by countless nano-gadgets and fried chicken value meals that we're somehow unable to 'not' procrastinate our way out of this cycle of doom.

Not a tremendously new insight, just felt compelled to vent it for some reason.

War Of The Worlds-Almost as bad as Watchmen.

2009-12-06T14:24:00.001-08:00

The only thing worse than an awesome comic book turned into a shitty movie is a book that was ahead of its time being turned into a shitty movie, starring America's worst actor, that is decades behind its time.

The story in brief is that these aliens come to exterminate us and end up not being able to resist our bacteria-they all become diseased and die. Hamburger time!

And that was the main problem with the film, aside from the acting, the casting, the script, and the 5 minute 'hide from the aliens' scenes that were done way better in the matrix. You just can't make a Hollywood blockbuster film who's climax basically amounts to the bad guys catching a cold.

Stay tuned for more reviews of 5 year old movies.

Was MTV Ever Good?

2009-12-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

I find myself pissing and moaning fairly regularly about reality TV-especially with my students. They generally agree with me. And then they tell me who was just voted off The Biggest Loser, and who their favorite is on this seasons American Idol. I take this is as convincing evidence of my need for more friends.

DSOBG researchers have conclusively determined that MTV can be blamed as the main progenitors of reality TV. (Copies of our research data available for $15 US)

Did MTV ever have a hey day? Were they ever respected by hip intellectual types?

As a hip, intellectual 7 year old in 1985, I did not respect them. I can vividly remember my birthday party that year. My mother had recorded a 2 hour VHS of various music vids, which she put on the big screen TV in the basement after we all had cake. I watched in contempt as my guests danced like idiots to 'Money for Nothing' by Dire Straits. OK, in all honesty, I actually loved Money For Nothing by Dire Straits. I used to put on sunglasses and sing along with the video, even trying to mimic Mark Knopfler's raspy voice. I was merely jealous of my guests' uninhibited dance moves. I yearned to be like them but didn't know how to let go in front of others.

That said--MTV was pretty shitty in the 80's. Its well documented that they had a huge problem with the idea of giving airplay to non-white acts until the middle of the decade---enough to elicit this public Bitch Slapping from Rick James. Of course, things ended happily in that department, but the advent of MTV did some damage that was irreversible.

Almost every old time musician I've worked with (I like, play guitar baby..) pretty much tells me the same story. In the 50's-70's, they gigged every night, for the most part did not need to pursue other work, and they were able to support their families. Of the younger musicians I know now, and I know some absolute burners, I don't know if anyone can say that this is the case for them. The old timers say almost to a man, that the steady work dried up in the 80's, as did the scene for thriving original music. Connecting the dots, it seems that the spread of music in the mass market, was ironically a death sentence for working musicians.

I actually enjoyed watching MTV in the early 90's. The State and Beavis and Butthead were the best shows on television while they were on the air. I really do have to give MTV credit for launching the careers of Mike Judge, Michael Ian Black, Keri Kinney, Thomas Lennon and Michael Showalter. (But not Kurt Loder) You could probably make the case that Beavis and Butthead paved the way for Southpark, and probably all of Comedy Central/Adult Swim's programs (Aqua Teen, Metalocalypse etc.).

However with the good you have to take the bad--in 1992 the real world debuted, and 17 years and 24 seasons later we are still dealing with the apocalyptic mayhem. The Real World begat Survivor. Survivor Begat American Idol and The Bachelor. And lo, The Bachelor begat
Flava of love.

Bringing this back to me-why am I wrestling with this most important issue? Partially because its 3 in the morning and I'm slightly drunk, but also because the dean demands that I publish regularly. Dean Yeager.

OK, time for bed.

The Watchmen Movie Almost Made Me Hemmorrage

2009-12-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

Last summer I had a painful experience that I can now discuss openly, which was that I ordered the Watchmen movie on demand while staying at the Quality Inn and Suites in Northampton MA.

To other guests at the Quality Inn looking for solid dramatic performances, I suggest taking a gamble on Anal Cheerleaders or Horny Asians Like it From Behind before you order this absolute turkey of a film.

Anyone who has paid witness to this cinematic abortion is well aware of the sensation that overcomes the viewer 30 seconds into this movie....A gravelly, fake superhero voice seems to taunt you: 'You will never get your eleven dollars and ninety nine cents back!' 'Your money is mine forever!'

So obviously I didn't like it. Neither did the other faculty members at Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, Girl) University (go Rebels).

And that should be good enough for you.

You Can Buy Guns On Craigslist

2009-11-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

Don't believe me? Do a search for 'firearms' on your local craigslist page. You will find many people, mostly in the barter section, eager to trade their ATV's Pool Tables/Boats/Grandmothers for guns.

This is so fucking bizarre I can't even fathom it. Most of the posts stay up for a month before they get flagged, and after a brief search of the gun nut forums you can easily find testimonials of dudes who buy guns on craigslist regularly.

This is a little naive-its always been easy to buy guns illegally in America, but this seems different somehow.

Economic Indicators

2009-11-25T21:57:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed there has been a MASSIVE increase in pawn shop ads on TV and radio in the past year. This afternoon on the big show (WEEI) there were 2 ads back to back for Fall River Pawnbrokers and Empire Loan in Pawtucket.

Pawn shop ads are particularly hilarious because of the 'not your typical pawnshop' angle. Both of these pawnshops seemed to have contracted with the same jingle writer as well--the production techniques were virtually identical--and the same back up singers were on both ads. I found it surreal listening to consecutive jingles for pawn shops.

Thoughts On Crepe Monster Dream

2009-11-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

Clearly, the saga is not over-the tide has begun to turn. We have the technology to defeat the crepe monster-Malcolm and I must make it to the lab (assuming the crepe monster hasn't already destroyed it in which case we are walking into an ambush).

To think that I am here because of a lousy cheese sandwich. How could I have been so foolish? Next time put it in your pocket you dumb fuck.

Crepe Monsters Dream (Part 2)

2009-11-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

I befriend a tiny creature and tell him I will protect him from the crepe monster. We hide in a small room in an unlocked tenement house. The small creature wanders away from me for a moment. I think about my popular friends in Las Vegas, playing craps and roulette while drinking top shelf booze.

It seems the crepe monster has already spawned: Two of its offspring are tormenting my small creature friend, who looks kind of like Gizmo.

Malcolm McDowell hurries in to the rescue, throwing a handful of small white pebbles at the demon seed-who then proceed to melt into a pool of mercury.

"Die you solid bowling balls....you anti-Santas!!" says Malcolm McDowell.

"Crystalized dish soap...its the only thing that can kill a crepe monstah."

Crepe Monsters Dream (Part 1)

2009-11-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't like hearing about peoples dreams-they are always boring and incongruous. You had to be there.

Here though, in its entirety, is my majestic dream about crepe monsters.

I am in a large bus terminal with some popular kids from my high school. I am feeling something I have never felt before-popularity. We are all going to Las Vegas, but first I must give my bags to the bus driver/packing guy for inspection.

The bus driver looks disapprovingly at my bag--cheese sandwiches are not allowed on the bus. I decide to eat my cheese sandwich before getting on the bus. Disaster strikes as my bus leaves before I can finish my sandwich.

The terminal is empty and I stand completely alone--the shopkeepers have disappeared and the lights become eerily dimmed. A recorded announcement comes through the PA: The station manager has left for Las Vegas on a giant crepe.

I begin to panic--I can't find the exit! In my haste, I open an ominous and medieval looking cage and accidentally release mankind's greatest nemesis-the crepe monster.

Despite its name it actually looks like a giant eel/dragon and I actually do run in horror for several minutes-eventually finding the exit and escaping into the city above.

Why I'm Obsessed With The Stupid Carrie Prejean Story

2009-11-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

Its hard to look at yourself in the mirror after spending your Friday night watching Carrie Prejean interviews. She is unworthy of all the attention, and much more important things are happening in the world. Even still, I'm fascinated by the cultural significance of her remarks and subsequent ascent to right wing stardom. This is going to be long, so I'll be nice and break it down into categories.

POCKET QUEENS

Watching CP answer Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage was a nice piece of symbolism. Here you have two completely opposite stereotypes--the ultra straight Jesus fed pageant girl vs. the snazzily dressed whip smart gay man. I felt like I was watching a 15 second synopsis of all of American history. Because what CP was saying, is what evil and ignorant rich white people have been saying to everyone else since they got here. 'You have your ways and you do like you wanna do, but this here is MY country.' This has always been an indefensible position. And there is no valid argument against same sex marriage. In 20 years when it is the law of the land people will speak of these religiously motivated opponents in the same breath as those who denied voting rights to women and minorities.

RIGHT WING HkO-BAGS

Fox News will get into bed with anyone who espouses their ideology. I can't even begin to fathom how dangerous it is for a news organization to behave this way. One of the things they do that really gets under my skin is turn the tables in the discrimination argument. Although working people and minorities are suffering from systematized discrimination on a daily basis, Fox prefers to focus on the handful who are milking the system. On the other side, they parade well to do middle-upper class white people like your Carrie Prejeans, your Sarah Palins and your Joe the Plumbers and they cue up the sad violin music and the sob stories, and then talk about how brave these clowns are for telling their story vis a vis a lucrative book deal. Please.

LIKE, OUTDATEDNESS

This whole thing should never have occurred. Beauty pageants are an utter waste of time. The
notion that non-physical characteristics are taken into consideration is farcical. The feminist arguments have been explored more eloquently elsewhere, so I won't get into that.

I OPINE THEREFORE SOCIETY

Why does everyone think that their opinion and their story counts so much that they need to constantly share it with us? If this is where we are going, and from a once over of the current reality TV schedule, it is, TV is going to just keep sucking more and more every year.

OK I know this post sucked but I suffered through too much CP in the last 20 hrs not to post.

I Am The Law

2009-11-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

One of the first tapes I ever owned was Anthrax's classic release 'Among The Living'

As far as thrash metal goes, it doesn't get any better, and I can still recite the lyrics to almost
any track even though I haven't listened to it in over 10 years. The songwriting covered diverse topics, and the lyrical tone at times has more in common with a socially conscious punk band than other thrash bands. 'Indians', for example, is a lament about the decline of Native American culture, and how no one seems to care. Then you have 'One World', a call for nuclear disarmament and an end to cold war hysteria:

Russians They're only people like us
Do you really think they'd blow up the
world They don't love their lives less

It wouldn't be a classic metal album however, without one song about being a total bad-ass. Enjoy, and please note the classic metal screaming at 2:59 and 4:43-

I Am The Law

Fifteen years in the academy
He was like no cadet they'd ever seen
A man so hard, his veins bleed ice
And when he speaks he never says it twice
They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd
So break the law, and you wind up dead
Truth and justice are what he's fighting for
Judge Dredd the man, he is the law
DROKK IT!

With gun and bike he rules the streets
And every perp he meets will taste defeat
Not even Death can overcome his might
Cause Dredd and Anderson, they won the fight
When the Sov's started the Apocalypse war
Mega-City was bombed to the floor
Dredd resisted, and the judges fought back
Crushed the Sov's with their counter-attack
DROKK IT!

Respect the badge - he earned it with his blood
Fear the gun - your sentence may be death because...
Chorus

I AM THE LAW!
And you won't fuck around no more - I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor - I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime I'll lock the door - I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City... I AM THE LAW

In the cursed earth where mutants dwell
There is no law, just a living hell
Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red
But this would change if it was up to Dredd
The book of law is the bible to him
And any crime committed is a sin
He keeps the peace with his law-giver
Judge, jury, and executioner

CRIME - The ultimate sin
Your iso-cube is waiting when he brings you in
LAW - It's what he stands for
Crime's his only enemy and he's going to war

Food Review-A Can of Pumpkin

2009-10-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Feeling the Haloween spirit, I picked up 3 99 cent cans of pumpkin earlier today. For some reason I thought it was going to taste like candy, actually upon further inspection of the can I even congratulated myself on the several hundred percentage points of Vitamin A I was about to ingest.

I found the product to be orange, for sure, but lacking in flavor. It was slightly less chewy than mashed potatoes, and it had a different sort of blandness than that of nursing home food.

My main complaint is that I didn't feel very evil eating it, just less wealthy.

You never get anywhere in life unless you are willing to take risks and try new things, so even though this didn't really work for me I feel bettered by the experience.

I couldn't watch Highlander

2009-10-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Usually my Blockbuster amnesia prevents me remembering that I've been meaning to watch Highlander for the past 15 years. This past Sunday night however I left the house with a burning desire for 2 + hours of blood stained kilts, bagpipe dirges, and ominously serene mountain scene-scapes.

The movie opens with a battle in a parking garage where two men in modern clothing fight each other with broadswords. The choreography of this scene, which at times had more in common with a gymnastics floor routine than a fight to the death, breaks down as follows:

10% staring/encircling opponent
20% hiding behind cars
30% unnecessary consecutive back-flips
20% running on top of cars
20% clumsy, unskilled swordsmanship.

The flashbacks to 16th century Scotland weren't ultimately what made me tap out, but they were extremely painful. Aside from the cool armor of the main bad guy, the costumes were lame and the combat reminded me of a film I shot with my friends in high school on my mom's camcorder.

I never did make it to Sean Connery's first appearance in the film, only because I was confident this movie sucked too bad for him to save it.

Impassioned Salsa Review

2009-10-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

(I have no connection to this product and didn't/don't wish to receive money or free stuff for writing this review-which only Rubin is going to read)

Almost as ass kicking as America and Utah combined is Poblano Farms Salsa. They grow their own tomatoes and hot peppers in RI 'sustainably' and then make salsa.

Nobody really likes 'chunky' salsa. IMO this is just a ploy by Tostitos et al. to hide their laziness. Fresh pico de gallo that you make yourself is different-but canned chunky salsa looks gross and all those who produce/consume it should be locked in medieval dungeons.

That's why I was pleasantly surprised at the consistent sauciness of this product. No sad looking onion chunks or aftermath slime at the bottom of the jar. They don't add citric acid-all the color and flavor comes from actual ingredients.

The owner of Poblano Farm can be found pretty regularly giving out samples at Whole Foods in Providence. Although he encourages me to try all his flavors, the Chipotle is the only one I really like. 'Mild' Salsa is for old people, and 'Roasted' is not as smoky as chipotle and equally spicy as mild.

The Chipotle more than makes up for its weaker siblings, in fact it has great power-through its beneficence you can experience spice ecstasy, anger it with your gluttony and suffer the gastric consequences.

The Pro Values American Family Campaign for Freedom and Against Raping Puppies

2009-10-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

(Thanks Rubin for the tip on this fun cut and paste activity.)

Some people in the liberal minority, mostly conflagrant homosexuals, think its progressive and cool to rape puppies and then eat them.

We think that this immoral behavior can only strengthen America's ties with France, where, as a rite of passage every young man is forced to rape an innocent defenseless puppy leading up to his state ordered castration/cosmetology training.

If you see a lecherous Frenchmen approaching your puppy, please call the Pro Values American Family Campaign for Freedom immediately. We will apprehend Claude and send him to one of our fine re-education/water-boarding camps in the middle of Utah.

We think that France sucks, America kicks ass, and Utah kicks the most ass! If it were up to us, we'd clone America and drop a giant Utah right on top of France. Fuck it-just turn all of Europe into 10 Utah's!

What Can GB do for ME!?

2009-10-17T01:36:00.002-07:00

Ruin my life.

GB--General Business. Playing dance covers at clubs parties weddings and casinos.

After you play a GB gig, you want to go home and play real music but you don't have the energy. For the next week your soul feels like hardened spam.

If you don't want to teach, GB is the way to go for most musicians. Unless you are the .001 percent who make it big.

Jamey Abersold says that if people were taught ear training in school from an early age instead of lame ass songs like old McDonald, then they would be more likely to pick up on the fact that all pop music is composed of bland chord changes and uninteresting melodies.

Basically playing GB is like working at McDonalds.

-There are a million other bands playing what you play.
-Nobody really wants to be doing it.
-Originality is forbidden.
-At most clubs the pay works out about to be just a little bit better.
-You end your work day bitterly hating all of humanity.

Girl You Know Its True (That Tim Geithner Looks Like Bilbo Baggins)

2009-10-14T11:32:00.001-07:00

Here you see 3 pics of Tim Geithner baby.
I'm gonna take you home and treat you right.
These are classic Tim Geithner poses using the left hand, the right hand, and then both hands.
I wanna make sweet love to you girl.

Some say he saved the economy, some say he di'nt.
All we need now is some lubricant to make this the perfect night.
CVS is closed but Walgreens is 24 hours.

When I think Walgreens I think quality--then I usually say out loud 'that's tight yo'

Girl, I'm gonna ask you to stay in the car, because we in a rough part of town,
and I don't want nothin to happen to my baby in the Walgreens parking lot.
You can trust me to pick out the proper lubricant-Walgreens be fully stocked yo.

I hear you sayin that Tim Geithner looks like Bilbo Baggins.
And you know I dont' like that kind a talk comin from a pretty mouth like yours baby.
Next time you talk foolish like that, I'm gon have to smack you across the head.

If you still talk foolish about the OG TG, I'm gonna get out my staff.
I'm gonna summon giant scorpions.

They ain't never gonna find the body girl. (cuz the scorpions will be digesting it (in another
dimension).

So Glad The Red Sox Lost

2009-10-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Let me break down, for my non sports fan reader, the reasons for my betrayal
of Boston's most annoying sports team and also for my disdain towards the fan base.

1) Since 2004, the management has traded away every player with a trace of personality besides David Ortiz. These players (Millar, Manny, Pedro) had varying degrees of on-field success, but their antics always made you feel like you were watching Monday Night Raw and not your great granddad's baseball. This was a major bonus for people like me who don't really care for the uber nerdy analysis and who don't play fantasy baseball.

2) Despite winning 2 championships in the last 6 years, the fans continue to claim underdog status because their payroll is only the second highest in major league baseball.

3) Despite winning 2 championships the fans have ridiculous expectations and refuse to be placated with an ALCS or division playoff appearance. They will angrily call in all day after a Red Sox loss to WEEI demanding that this player or that player be traded.

4) The fans routinely confuse the team owners money with their own money. 'We're payin Dice-K 10 million a year to sit on the bench with a torn hamstring' etc. At the same time, they perpetuate the gaudiest of all sports salaries by paying 80-300 for a seat at Fenway.

5) The Red Sox, for all intents and purposes, have their own TV network (NESN) and Radio Station (WEEI), where former players and obese commentators (Steve Buckley excluded) basically parrot the management and bar any meaningful criticism of the team from being broadcast except for by that crazy toothless Yankees fan Frank from Gloucester.

6) The fans require that every player play hard to the point of self-injury and show their passion for the game by throwing a temper tantrum every time they are called out on strikes.

Traffic Court

2009-09-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I rocked my traffic court case. Using legal skills that I learned watching the OJ trial, I was able to smooth talk my parking ticket from 90 dollars--to zero dollars.

Like most Rhode Islanders, I have waited my entire life to appear on 'Caught In Providence', a program where the honorable Justice Frank Caprio either disses you and your parking skills big time in front a Providence Municipal Court, or exercises his famed benevolence.

Not only was there a different judge, but the cameras were turned off. I felt hugely gipped.

Boring Blogs Removed

2009-09-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

I've decided that 2 blogs 'Racist Boss' and 'Do You Know GB' do not meet the core standards of Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, girl).

Since I'm up for tenure at Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, girl) University, its important that my majestic message of true enlightenment not be compromised by inferior posts.

There will be a 3 day mourning period before said posts are interred.

Corporate Humor

2009-09-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking Mac/PC guy, Free Credit Report.com, and my least favorite the 2 guys in a car Sonic Commercials.

Lets go over some catch phrases that we all grew tired of ten years ago and were never really funny/interesting in the first place.

1) Did you get that memo?
2) Let me think..........no
3) Adding the suffix 'ness' to the end of words it doesn't belong on, usually to describe a taco or a piece of fried chicken.
4) I don't think they got that memo

Change of direction here-all the ads on TV now seem to have this like, rebellious attitude without the actual rebellion.

Madison Ave. is keenly aware that we all hate our jobs for the most part and that we have big time contempt for our employers. So, a common TV ad protagonist is a slacker in his late 20's/early 30s who rebels against corporate niceties and customs, and hungers insatiably for 99 cent Big Macs.

The funny thing is that the people who the commercials are made for are our employers. And though pot shots are taken against the drudgery of corporate life, it is corporate life that has generated both the ad and the product being advertised. I find this interesting. People hate their jobs and the lame ass company picnics etc. but are hesitant to direct their ire at the roots of the ultra capitalist system that is shoving their face in the dirt.

The Beatles Cock Hero Game

2009-09-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Haven't we had enough of these jack asses?

I'll admit that the entirety of their success has been warranted, and musically they were very important and influential. Paul McCartney has earned the right to his prosperity and seemingly infinite supply of sport coats.

However I draw the fucking line when it comes to my video games.

Guitar hero may have been an interesting premise when it first came out, but the endless spin-offs are detracting valuable public attention from the anticipation of games with actual plots, in which you utilize creative problem solving, varied reflex responses, and strategic resource management skills as in RPG's or Civilization type games. If you think that Guitar Hero is more fun than a game like Bioshock, well, I'm sorry sir but you are a flaming douche bag.

Plus, I already hear all these shitty songs on the radio when I'm driving to work-I buy video games to escape from pop culture to a blissful fantasy world where I get to use awesome bad-ass guns to blow up zombies.

Giant man terrorizes farm village

2009-09-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Authorities and local residents were shocked when a giant casually dressed man descended on their Eastern Virginia township last Thursday afternoon.

Convenient store employee Habib Johnson described his frightful encounter. "He stamped his feet so loudly that the whole town shook, then he demanded that we empty all the bags of tostitos and spicy guac dip from the store."

The town folk then gaped in utter bemusement as their strange visitor proceeded to gorge on salty snacks for 2 hours while watching Family Guy and The Simpsons reruns.

After eating, the giant man became bored, and headed in the direction of Bob Jenkins ranch. "He lifted my barn clear off the ground and just started yellin an screamin at the animals on the inside." When Jenkins dared to protest, "He sprayed me with his inhaler."

Syllabus-Readers Please Finish For Me

2009-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

Last semester I didn't hand out a syllabus for my class. As a student, I thought they were a big waste of time, and was always really annoyed by the teacher reading the entire thing out loud on the first day of class. 'Let the snooozefest begin', is what a syllabus says to me.

However my aunt, a former university prof, explained to me that the real reason for passing out a syllabus is so you can give out a shitty grade later and not suffer a backlash from vengeful parents.

I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, so here's what I've go so far, lets see if you can help me out with weeks 7-14. How bout some of you freeloaders who read but don't comment chime in here, eh?

DS(OBG) university (Go rebels!)
Class: Jazz Guitar Lab

Week 1: Get to know you intro class (name memorization 5% of grade)

Week 2: Tony Robbins listening session

Week 3: spontaneous composition nightmare

Week 4:Vent about my personal problems

Week 5: Tony Robbins listening/yoga

Week 6: What did we learn from last weeks Tony Robbins tape

Kickball Player Profiles

2009-08-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, you've started your kickball team. You have a name, a gimmick, and now its time to go out and find some players. Thankfully, Dark Shadows (of Bismuth, girl) has done extensive research into the kickball world this afternoon and is pleased to offer the all new authoritative guide to building a kickball franchise/dynasty.

Your squad should be a healthy mix of the following archetypes/personalities.

1) Psycho

Banned from every other amateur sports league in town, psycho has turned to kickball as a last resort. Psycho will most likely be your best player both in the overall skill and the team motivation department. Referees fear him-in fact, having *2* psychos (the recommended maximum) on your team virtually guarantees that every vaguely close call will be decided in favor of the good guys.

Positioning: Put him at short stop and let him bat clean up.

Cons: You may have a power struggle on your hands if the season gets off to a bad start. Psycho will initiate a strong push for benching the 'scrubs' (basically 70% of your players). If this happens, remember that Psycho needs you too!-kickball is his last stand in civilized society, so it's entirely acceptable to call his bluff. However, if you do, and he looks you in the eye and starts talking about his 3rd tour for Blackwater, you're pretty much fucked. Start running.

2) The Professional

Usually an underling at a corporate accounting firm or a bakery manager, the professional is well schooled in all aspects of the game. He's also about 10 years older than everyone else on the team. While age limits his explosiveness and lateral movement, you can count on him to make the correct play with proper technique. The professional, who yearns for the lost authenticity of sports personalities, often supplements his play with a quirky movement or signature pose.

Cons: If he invites the team over to his house, you better be ready for at least 4 hours of Axis and Allies.

3) The Bike Messenger

The pawns of the kickball world-most of your players will be the scrawny bike messenger. Generally these folks are semi-skilled players who can only do one or two things well on the field. They are in it for the social networking and free beer.

Positioning: Anywhere but the infield.

Pros: Some BM's have been on the kickball scene so long that they have accidentally become excellent players. You may have to go to 10 liquor stores to find their favorite beer, brewed by Satan worshiping monks in a cave in Southwest Belgium, but if it will get one of these rare birds on your side its well worth the effort.

Cons: They will never, ever, chip in for the beer.

4) The Girl

The girl presents complex scenarios of ratios and inverse ratios that are important to consider.

First off-more girls on the team means more themes and more costumes. You could end up seriously alienating psycho and professional/psycho hybrid types, while attracting more bike messengers.

If you are a man/woman about town and kickball is a social endeavor for you, obviously you'll need to stock up on girls. As the gender mix approaches 50/50 though, the emphasis will rapidly
shift away from fundamentals and playing hard to theatrics and flirting. You will have a shitty team but firemen will honk at you.

Now, if you came to win ball games and not play Barbie dress up, then you'll need to contain the spread of girl power on your roster, but still appear inclusive. The best way to do this is to have 3 girls on the team, but only make two of them feel welcome at a time. This way, there will always be an 'odd woman out', and they will be unable to unify and suggest unwelcome changes to the status quo. With a tip of your hat to the white patriarchs of old, you'll proudly continue the grand tradition of isolating and marginalizing minorities to advance your own narrow interests!

5) Angry Guy

Angry guy will cleverly disguise himself as The Bike Messenger or The Professional to get his foot in the door. His true identity will be revealed during the teams first losing streak or a prolonged individual slump. Once you realize you've been shanghaied, it will be too late

Pros: When championship weekend rolls around, Angry Guy will play hurt, even if he has to get a cortizone shot in his leg to get on the field.

Cons: The only player in the league for whom performance enhancing drugs are a potential issue.

My Foe Has A Name

2009-08-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

Mike.

A nondescript man in in his 40's who has the annoying distinction of having beaten me in the first round of the tournament at the E+O Tap on Knight St. (Providence's new bar for hairy dirty people). To be fair, it was double elimination, I got there late, and could only buy in for 'single elimination'. Whatever the case, Mike needs to go down.

I ran into him again today at Javaspeed while training on the Dracula machine. If Mike were a lame 25 y/o bartender sporting a years salary worth of meaningless tattoos such as 'the chicken wire' he would be easier to hate, but he is a friendly scooter owner who smiles politely at my indignant requests for a rematch.

Loud Healthcare Guy At Java Speed

2009-08-19T13:28:00.002-07:00

One of my training spots is a somewhat large scooter shop on North Main Street called Javaspeed, where in addition to selling scooters they have a Dracula Machine, also my arch nemesis the Shadow machine (who knows what evils lurk in the hearts of men), and coffee.

I had been in there a few times before but had not encountered loud healthcare guy. As I attempted to practice some preemptive nudging techniques (giving the machine a jolt so the

ball doesn't go down the outlanes), loud healthcare guy laid down several cogent arguments for and against universal health care with other Javaspeed employees and customers.

I would say it was like a barbershop politics discussion except LHG controlled the floor for an average of 10 minutes at a time before anyone else had a chance to chime in. This made practicing rather difficult, especially since LHG has pretty much the same voice as the 'inconceivable' guy from princess bride.

I'll have to work my training around LHG's work schedule.

Moster Bash Pinball

2009-08-17T15:33:00.001-07:00

I love the plot of this game. Dracula, the Wofman, Frankenstein, the Bride of Frankenstein, and the Mummy, must assemble to put on a formidable rock show. First though, they need to convince Muck, a reclusive guitar gunslinger who lives in a swamp on the left side
of the machine. Shooting the ball into the swamp will cause Dracula to entreat Muck, Blues Brothers style, to help them
put the band back together.

Memo to Steven Crowder-Right Wing Humor Doesn't Work

2009-08-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to give this mo any more attention than he's already getting, but after sitting through his 20 minute youtube about the horrors of the Canadian Healthcare system I felt the need to depart from the pinball theme for a moment.

Crowder channels Glenn Becks political philosophy through a comic persona which I describe on his comments page as a proprietary blend of Dane Cook and Frank Caliendo. Except, and this is very hard to do, he is not as charming as Dane Cook, and his impressions, uh suck. (There I said it).

According to his bio, Crowder could not get laid after doing comedy for 6 years, at which point "fed up with the rampant liberalism in Hollywood, comedy clubs, and among young people (it's a pandemic, you know), Steven decided to use his comedic arsenal for the greater good." This paragraph, festooned with blatant giveaways regarding his motives, may be ironically the only funny bit he's generated.

Comics cash in on 2 things-societal undercurrents that we're afraid to talk about with each other (race, sex etc.), and the ability to see a normal situation from a unique perspective. When you take a partisan stance as a comic on stage, your angle is exposed and your schtick becomes linear and predictable. Colbert can do this sucessfully because he simultaneously plays both sides, and even though you know he's really on the left side of things, his persona plays a subtle deception that causes the mind to bounce back and forth in a way that gives you 80% playful and 20% educational.

David Zephyr argues that you can't do authentic right wing humor on TV or radio because, and I'm paraphrasing here, most middle aged conservative white guys want to hear racist, homophobic, sexist, and xenophobic material in order to bolster their own failing self esteem. I'm not sure I totally agree with this, but I have a take that's only slightly different. Humor, music, art, is often at its best when generated as a reprieve from or a rebellion from an oppressive culture. When it is appropriated by the priveleged it loses all its meaning. (see jazz, hip hop culture, punk rock etc.)

Unfortunately though, I have a sinking feeling we haven't seen the last of this douche.

Day one of training for PAPA 13

2009-08-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today I began the 360 day process of pulling myself up by my bootstraps to train for next years world pinball championship. Let the "live to win" montage begin.

So I played a few games of Lord of the Rings over at Felini's, which is where it all started for me, playing Dirty Harry and Raiders of The Lost Ark back in high school. (The same high school as Bowen Kerins, did I mention?)

Already there are fucking issues. Please go into Felini's, play the Lord of the Rings machine, and tell them to get the gimpy right flipper fixed. I have seriously complained about the right flipper a half dozen times only to have my concerns dismissed by the manager, who usually brushes me off with a comment such as 'only little kids play that machine'.

I got Jonesed

2009-08-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.papa.org/papa12/live/C-pretty.html

You have to scroll down pretty far to find me (89th place), but considering it was my first crack
at PAPA I'm not too disappointed.

'Yes Dad' Rob said sullenly.

I Meet Pinball Legend Bowen Kerins

2009-08-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

Actually, we went to the same high school, that was the lead in to our conversation. I asked him for some tips-it was a little awkward because we were talking in the men's room while some guy was taking a dump 4 feet away, but Bowen doesn't crack under pressure and he did give me some good tips.

I'm still in last place.

The useless bag of crap I was given at the tournament

2009-08-14T18:41:00.001-07:00

A month ago I sent a $35 check to pre-register for the pinball tournament. When I got here yesterday I found out that I didn't really need to do this, I could have just given them $5 at the door.

This didn't really make sense to me because usually concert tickets are more expensive the day of, cheaper if you buy in advance. He, OK.

The bonus package that I received for being a complete dumbass and spending $30 that I didn't need to, includes

-A black PAPA (the event hosts) totebag
-A very gay red shirt
-A bike map
-A magazine about biking
-A foam rubber ball?
-A pad of paper
-A pen